Friday, August 23, 2013

Fractured Fairy Tale Fridays: The Little Mermaid

I've decided that Fridays will be from hereforth: Fractured Fairy Tale Fridays. I will continue this until I run out of stories, everyone tells me to stop or I get bored of such an arrangement. These stories aren't for young children, but will be minimally offensive so if a child does read it they will hopefully not be scarred for life. These tales are senseless, haphazardly written and will likely destroy everything you love about your favorite fairy tales. I am so sorry for this, but it must be done. Without further ado, here is the first part of my version of "The Little Mermaid":

The Little Mermaid (Part 1)

Retold by Dani Duck

Once there was a beautiful mermaid named Lydia. She had silky long black hair, glowing ivory skin, manicured nails and knew she had a rocking hot body. Being the daughter of the sea king she had everything she ever wanted... well everything but a good merman. Though she was absolutely gorgeous she found it incredibly hard to find a good man. Lydia had one flaw that was keeping her from her dream: she had a terrible voice. I mean her voice was so bad that it made the sound of nails across the chalkboard seem pleasant.

Lydia would often spend her evenings in the bubble tea bar, and would have a lot of luck with mermen buying her bubble tea. The problem would always come when she would open her mouth to talk. Sometimes she was able to avoid speaking, but invariability the merman would say something funny (or something she was socially obligated to laugh at), and it would be all over after that. The merman ears would start bleeding, he'd start screaming and swim out of the bubble tea bar as fast as his legs could carry him. “Every single night!” She said to herself. “I can't seem to catch a break.”

Catching a break was exactly what she did. One night as she was leaving the bar cold and alone she saw a sign, “Wanted: Voices in Exchange For Legs. Leave Your Wet and Washed Up Life and Spend Some Time On The Warm Sand! Let the Sea Witch Make Your Dreams Come True!*” in smaller letters below was written “*Must find love within 24 hours of exchange.”*Below that she read, “** Mermaids with lobster friends need not apply”

Lydia beamed brightly, “That's it!” She squealed in delight, “That's exactly what I need!” Lydia rushed home to pack her things. She wrote a note for her family that she was going to the surface. Later, when reading the note, everyone was secretly relieved to have Lydia's voice out of their lives.

The Sea Witches' house wasn't what Lydia expected. It wasn't a small cave, but instead a grandiose castle made from woven living sea plants that looked familiar. Lydia ignored the plants and burst through the front door. “Usually one knocks before entering a home, especially when it's the home of the Sea Witch!”

 Lydia was so impressed with the decor that she couldn't find the words to answer. Everywhere she looked there was furniture that was gold, gilded and covered in gems. Lydia immediately began to admire the painting of a radiant mermaid who was in the process of turning other mermaids into plants. “I see you have good tastes, so I'll let it go this time.” This time Lydia turned to see her host. The radiant mermaid that was in the painting was standing before her!

“I take it you're here to exchange your voice for a pair of legs.” Awed by the radiant mermaid Lydia could only nod. “Once the change takes place you'll have 24 hours to find your true love. If you don't you'll belong to me. Do you understand these terms?” Lydia nodded. “Alright then, sign here.”

As soon as Lydia put the pen to paper she could feel a change take place in her body. She blacked out and when she came to she was lying on the beach. She looked down and saw that her lovely tail had been replaced by the strangest things she'd ever seen. She didn't know what to expect when she signed that paper, but it hadn't been this! She also noticed that she had some parts that she never had before. “Strange,” she thought. The man in front of her must have thought the same thing, because he was staring.

“The waters here aren't really good for swimming, you know. Women are always losing their bikini bottoms in this part of the ocean!”

Lydia looked him up and down. He was strong, handsome and had a beautiful smile. This had to be the man she was going to fall in love with! The man gave Lydia his shirt and then carried her to his home.

End Part 1

Please come back next week for the second and final part of "The Little Mermaid".


  1. Very nice! Interested in what happens next...

  2. I want to know what happens next. Patience...patience...patience.